Welcome to the life of a seventeen year old girl...
where the broken meet the strengthened and all are one...
"The ground is level at the foot of the cross..."
"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights."
~Habakkuk 3:17-19~
"Good Morning
The night is over and gone
I thought once
This dark would last for so long
Feel the sunlight
On my face
You have brought me
Through this place
Jesus, Jesus You found me
Through the dark night you led me
You set me free
Do you see
Just what You've done in my life?
You gave me
More than I hoped for, now I
Feel Your sunlight
On my face
You have brought me
Through this place..."
(I thought I'd be a good lil groupie and make a button for 'em lol)
WANNA LINK ME?
(do NOT direct link.. save to your computer, then upload onto a happy lil server, like Photobucket! *big smile*)
Thanks Push, for the AWESOME blinky!!
...and more to come...
Meet me.
(As you can see, I look pretty happy here. This was in June [aka before he left me]... you should see my pics now, if I even have any...)
Thanks, Anony2, for making it blink!!!
To my friend Adrian: thanks for the header, it's awesome. You rock!!
"My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen.
So many years I’ve shaped each one
Reflecting my heart, showing who I am.
Now you’re asking me to show
What I’m holding Oh so tightly.
Can’t open my hand; can’t let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can’t you let me go?
Surrender, Surrender
You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know, but can't You see
My dreams are me, My dreams are me.
Say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life.
Told me the world has yet to see
What you can do with one
That’s committed to your call.
I know of course what I should do
That I can’t hold these dreams forever.
But if I give them now to you
Will you take them
Away forever?
Or can I dream again?"
~Surrender~ *Barlow Girl*
"See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
With or without you
Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
My hands are tied
My body bruised, she's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
With or without you"
~With or Without You~ *U2*
I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Well, every moment spent with you
Is a moment I treasure
I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
Lying close to you
Feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together
And I just wanna stay with you
In this moment forever, forever and ever
I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
I don't wanna miss one smile
I don't wanna miss one kiss
Well, I just wanna be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just wanna hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time
Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
'Cause I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep, yeah
I don't wanna miss a thing
I don't wanna miss a thing
~I Don't Want to Miss a Thing~*Aerosmith*
"I hear the clock, it's six a.m.
I feel so far from where I've been
I got my eggs and my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you.
I break the yolks, make a smiley face
I kinda like it in my brand new place
I wipe the spots off the mirror
Don't leave the keys in the door
Never put wet towels on the floor anymore' cause
Dreams last so long
even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.
I called my momma, she was out for a walk
Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk
So I picked up a paper, it was more bad news
More hearts being broken or people being used
Put on my coat in the pouring rain
I saw a movie it just wasn't the same
'Cause it was happy and I was sad
It made me miss you oh so bad 'cause
Dreams last so long
Even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.
I go about my business, I'm doin fine
Besides what would I say if I had you on the line
Same old story, not much to say
Hearts are broken, everyday.
I brush my teeth and put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on
I pick a book up. Turn the sheets down.
Take a deep breath and a good look around
Put on my pjs and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight 'cause
Dreams last so long
Even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon I know you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you
Yeah.... You were meant for me and I was meant for you."
~You Were Meant For Me~ *Jewel*
"Every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his own nature into his pictures."
~Henry Ward Beecher~
"Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens."
~J. R. R. Tolkien~
"The thing to remember is that that the future comes one day at a time."
~Dean Acheson~
"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. "
~Friedrich Nietzsche~
"What are you, Creature who brings me suffering?
Why must I suffer with your presence in the dark places of my life?
O God, tell me where I can find my peace,
End my torment and despair and give me life again.
Over and over I pour out my blood, my soul...
But God, where are You when I'm dying in my soul?
Carry me out of this, God.
Come and rescue Your servant.
Death is so close to my door, manipulating me every chance he gets.
God, why must I endure this?
Burn the hurt and pain in this wretched being of mine.
Further and further I fall, so help me, my God.
Resuce me from this hell that I live in."
Yeah, thought that was interesting.. weird though, lol.. but since it said i was one with JESUS (correcting that lol), then I thought it was appropriate. lol
You're a Vampire. Vampires were the creatures of the night that were believed to live off of human blood. Count Dracula, being the most famous vampire, set the stereotype. They had dark hair and pale skin from being away from the sunlight. If they actually existed, it's very possible they had the skin disease that made you allergic to the sun so whenever the sunlight would hit it, it would hurt like crazy. They were usually snobbish and control freaks and kept werewolves as pets.
Well, I stumbled back onto this site, completely forgetting about it until now.
I posted a response to a girl on my September 17th (2004) entry just today. I didn't even know it was there.
Here's what I posted,
"Hmm.. I just found this comment today. I'm a bit late, aren't I?
If you read on, you'll see what happened with Kris. In short, he cheated. I don't know if I mentioned it on here either, but there was an instance where he wanted to have sex and I, of course, did not. So yes, being with those who aren't of the same beliefs hurt.
However, a lot has happened in the past year. I now am a Biblical Studies major at Boyce Bible College, and I'm also engaged to a wonderful Christian man who feels that God is calling him to be a missionary overseas.
We're getting married in April, and I couldn't be happier. =)"
Yes, you read right. I'm engaged. =)
His name's Derek, and he's amazing. I love him more than I could have ever loved my ex or any of my other boyfriends.. why? Because he's the one God's chosen for me. We clicked. It happened. We're in love.
He's THE perfect match for me. Everyone sees it. My family loves him. My friends love him.
It makes me proud to wear *his* engagement ring on my finger. (He's wearing an engagement ring as well!)
I posted an entry about an hour ago, but it didn't go through.
Seth IMed me out of no where.
It was horrible. I'll post the conversation later.
I called Tyler right after Seth blocked me several times (all on different screen names), and I was crying. I wanted to die.
Tyler made me promise not to do anything stupid, and I agreed. I just did something horrible, but it felt so good. Obviously, I didn't end up killing myself, so it's fine.
I want to be released from my pain.
But I promised.
Now left alone to my thoughts, I keep reminding myself that I promised him I wouldn't, after Seth supposedly wanted to help me, but turned around and talked about that girl, spitting in my face all the good qualities in her that he hated in me..
I can't live with that.
But I promised.
I called Tyler because I had to... I couldn't trust myself after Seth blocked me... I needed to talk to someone, and Tyler was the first and only person to pop in my head. He's a very good friend.
I don't know if what I did was right or wrong, but it's done, and I know I'll do it again and again. I need to be free.
But I promised... but this isn't *that* stupid, is it?
*sighs*
I'll be gone until probably Saturday. We're leaving on vacation, but hopefully, I'll find internet access somewhere there..
God, please help me through today... God, I need Your help... Out of all days, this will be my hardest... please, God, just help me to forget for one day...
He doesn't exist. There is nothing special about today... it's an ordinary Sunday...
*tears fall*
God, please help me... are You listening to me?
Please save me...
I keep begging and pleading for Your rescue, but, God, maybe I've completely missed it or it just hasn't come... I need You though... right now... let me make it at least until tomorrow...
Dying would be so easy, God, but please don't let me... I can't and won't give in, God... just help me...
Well, once again, I sit before my computer, apathetic and deserted... Ryan's mad at me for who knows what and he thinks he knows what I'm going through but doesn't.. then we got on the whole thing about him making it seem like his life's always so perfect.. that's been bugging me for years.. I've always wanted in on his life, but it's so hard to get him to be real with me...
*sighs*
Apathy.. i sucks... I don't have any feelings or emotions right now.. I'm just empty... I feel so numb..
For once, I'm too numb to even lift up my hand out of my hell-hole and beg for someone to save me...
Well.. what a waste of an entry... I sort of miss having feelings just for the sake of writing..
I found this through one of those quiz things where you find the first letter of your name and all that... surprisingly, this one actually fit.. lol (besides the "sexual freedom" stuff lol)
"You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You also enjoy mothering your mate."
I admit.. the "mothering your mate" thing is true, lol... I said before he was like my doll..
Thought I'd share that. lol but I gtg to sleep.. I'm tired...
Crossing My Fingers and Closing My Eyes.. Praying I Make it Another Day...
I've decided that I will not give in to death's calling for my life. I'm going to suck it up and live through this Sunday. Sunday, of course, the 21st. Though it would have been our anniversary, I was thinking today...
I would trade anything for him. I would do anything to have him back in my arms. But then I thought about it. Sort of like that movie, Time Machine, where he goes back in time and tries to change his fiance's death so it never happens, I want to go back and change things with Seth so it would never happen. But then I wonder, if just like in the movie, where she would die after he came and changed the past, would things with Seth eventually end up in ruins like it did? Is it something so inevitable?
I just have to face the facts that for whatever reason (if reason at all was a part of its inevitable destruction), it is over. It's finished. I *must* suck it up and move on.
While I myself still don't give a care whether I live or die (which will hopefully change in time), I promised Mrs. Spotts (who faithfully came to visit me like she promised) that I wouldn't commit suicide.
Not only that, but this morning, my dad called me on my cell phone in school, which he's never done before, and checked up on me, asking me if things were going to be alright. He asked me if I was still having suicidal thoughts. I know he's worried. I lied to him today and told him he shouldn't be, but in all honesty, he should be. But thinking about it today, after someone asked (they were being dumb and planning how they'd frame anyone and anybody in the room.. lol) what would tear my father up the most (and replying "my suicide".. [do I really care who knows? no.. will it affect my social life? yeah but who gives a crap]), I thought about how much it really would hurt he and my mother. I know they both love me very much. And if my suffering on this earth will keep them from being hurt, then so be it.
As for Seth, I keep wondering if it's wrong for me to wish that he would get his just desserts..
I should have seen it coming though.. I don't know what indication I should have seen exactly, but I should have seen it.
*scoffs* a 15-year-old (at the time)... I was with a 15-year-old boy. He was the horniest guy I know.. but what should I have expected from a high school kid?
But for the first time in a very long time.. since I can even remember, I looked in the mirror and thought, "My gosh, Markie.. you're much more beautiful than you give yourself credit for.." Mrs. Spotts told me that "pretty" is a word for girls younger than 14, but girls that are older and more *cough* matured (though she didn't say that haha) are called "beautiful"... makes sense... and I'm pretty sure I'm one of the most beautiful girls at church an even at school.. I have to give myself some credit. I'm more beautiful than a lot of the popular girls too (though they all happen to be size 3's.. of course, with my body frame, I'd look like an alien as a size 3.. lol... I could lose a little weight [and I have] but I think I'm actually ok [after eating maybe once a day and gladly being sick so I couldn't eat at all.. but NO i'm not anorexic, lol]).. so my downfall? I'm depressed..
But technically, that's not my fault. Something happened in my life to do that to me. I just let it happen.
But I realized that being depressed and hiding my tears behind my long black hair (naturally blackish-brown and curly too [not to mention about a yard in length], which I usually wear down with a lot of it covering my face), will not help to bring me the peace I want and need.
First move: a hair cut... I'm going to cut my sacred hair that I have NOT cut in almost 5 years... since my 13th birthday actually (I may back out of this later... which is a VERY likely possibility, lol, I love my hair too much...) It'll only be a couple inches if I ever go through with it. lol
Second move: destroy the things that Megan and I were talking about. I can't have them in my life, no matter what memories they may hold, I must rid them from my life.. or at least give them to Megan to hold on to until I'm ready to have them back, which if I'm ready for them back, I will not ask. I'll trust her to throw them away one day or just give them to my parents.. yeah... I think that'll be a better plan...
Third move: make the move toward Sam. I'm sick of thinking I'm not good enough. This will work. I just have to scheme and plot, lol... and no, this will not be a rebound (been there, done that lol), this will be something that I can say "He's not in my life, sweetie, you are the ONLY one".. I know I can love again.. I just have to throw the other one away, even if at first I'm fooling myself.
My life was wasted on him.. like he once told me, "You made me miss like 8 mos of my life"... well, then I'm shoving it right back in his face. I lost myself completely when I met him. I want to find myself again, but a better, stronger, less vulnerable Markie.. not a weak-minded, naive little girl.
Though things will still be up and down for me, I will get through this and I will live past this Sunday.
I HAVE to.
So now what you all are wondering, "Are you still considering the 's' word?".... *thinks for a couple minutes*........ I guess we'll have to wait til after Sunday for that answer.. but no, it won't be soon... but like I've learned from Seth's painful and hurtful example, don't promise anything for the future.. (for example: "I'll love you forever" are but empty words falling from the lips of a deceiver.)
Blessed ventures,
~*~Markie~*~
btw, thanks Adrian for making me another header.. I loved ur other one too.. you're such a sweetie! *hugs*
and thanks you all for posting comments.. it helped a whole lot.. thanks Freudian Slip, your encouragement means a whole lot to me.. and Cheeko & Adrian, thanks again :-)
Because my friend Megan suggested it, I got help from a professional today, although it was only our school guidance counselor (one of the five)...
*time passes*
Wow.. speaking of her... lol.... she just called me. She wanted to talk to my mum, which was good, but she started asking me how I'm doing and stuff, which was really nice. It shows that she cares (at least someone does [besides Meg]).
Anyway, I've been keeping my thoughts during the day in my alphasmart (this little computer we're given to use for the school newspaper)... I wish I could hook it up to this computer and just download it all onto here, but I doubt the alphasmart is compatible with my computer.
Well, I left during lunch near tears because for the past two days, that non-Christian ugly girl has been hanging around Seth.. like standing next to him in the way a lot of girls do that says "I'm your girl"... I hate it. I had to leave, it was torture. How could he break so many promises? How could he be such a coward too?
Think about it.
Instead of hurting me physically so everyone can see what he's done to me, he hurt me where no one can see: emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. It would have been more humane to beat me and rape me than what he did. And maybe if he had done that, my wounds would have healed when the bruises healed and maybe then I could hate him.
But no. He left me dead in my spirit. He should have beat me and raped me.
I'm still in the process of dying. Perhaps not physically, but in every other way possible.
*God, just grant me mercy.*
Mrs. Spotts made me promise her that I won't commit suicide. I promised. But that doesn't mean I can't think of death.
