I would trade anything for him. I would do anything to have him back in my arms. But then I thought about it. Sort of like that movie, Time Machine, where he goes back in time and tries to change his fiance's death so it never happens, I want to go back and change things with Seth so it would never happen. But then I wonder, if just like in the movie, where she would die after he came and changed the past, would things with Seth eventually end up in ruins like it did? Is it something so inevitable?
I just have to face the facts that for whatever reason (if reason at all was a part of its inevitable destruction), it is over. It's finished. I *must* suck it up and move on.
While I myself still don't give a care whether I live or die (which will hopefully change in time), I promised Mrs. Spotts (who faithfully came to visit me like she promised) that I wouldn't commit suicide.
Not only that, but this morning, my dad called me on my cell phone in school, which he's never done before, and checked up on me, asking me if things were going to be alright. He asked me if I was still having suicidal thoughts. I know he's worried. I lied to him today and told him he shouldn't be, but in all honesty, he should be. But thinking about it today, after someone asked (they were being dumb and planning how they'd frame anyone and anybody in the room.. lol) what would tear my father up the most (and replying "my suicide".. [do I really care who knows? no.. will it affect my social life? yeah but who gives a crap]), I thought about how much it really would hurt he and my mother. I know they both love me very much. And if my suffering on this earth will keep them from being hurt, then so be it.
As for Seth, I keep wondering if it's wrong for me to wish that he would get his just desserts..
I should have seen it coming though.. I don't know what indication I should have seen exactly, but I should have seen it.
*scoffs* a 15-year-old (at the time)... I was with a 15-year-old boy. He was the horniest guy I know.. but what should I have expected from a high school kid?
But for the first time in a very long time.. since I can even remember, I looked in the mirror and thought, "My gosh, Markie.. you're much more beautiful than you give yourself credit for.." Mrs. Spotts told me that "pretty" is a word for girls younger than 14, but girls that are older and more *cough* matured (though she didn't say that haha) are called "beautiful"... makes sense... and I'm pretty sure I'm one of the most beautiful girls at church an even at school.. I have to give myself some credit. I'm more beautiful than a lot of the popular girls too (though they all happen to be size 3's.. of course, with my body frame, I'd look like an alien as a size 3.. lol... I could lose a little weight [and I have] but I think I'm actually ok [after eating maybe once a day and gladly being sick so I couldn't eat at all.. but NO i'm not anorexic, lol]).. so my downfall? I'm depressed..
But technically, that's not my fault. Something happened in my life to do that to me. I just let it happen.
But I realized that being depressed and hiding my tears behind my long black hair (naturally blackish-brown and curly too [not to mention about a yard in length], which I usually wear down with a lot of it covering my face), will not help to bring me the peace I want and need.
First move: a hair cut... I'm going to cut my sacred hair that I have NOT cut in almost 5 years... since my 13th birthday actually (I may back out of this later... which is a VERY likely possibility, lol, I love my hair too much...) It'll only be a couple inches if I ever go through with it. lol
Second move: destroy the things that Megan and I were talking about. I can't have them in my life, no matter what memories they may hold, I must rid them from my life.. or at least give them to Megan to hold on to until I'm ready to have them back, which if I'm ready for them back, I will not ask. I'll trust her to throw them away one day or just give them to my parents.. yeah... I think that'll be a better plan...
But technically, that's not my fault. Something happened in my life to do that to me. I just let it happen.
But I realized that being depressed and hiding my tears behind my long black hair (naturally blackish-brown and curly too [not to mention about a yard in length], which I usually wear down with a lot of it covering my face), will not help to bring me the peace I want and need.
First move: a hair cut... I'm going to cut my sacred hair that I have NOT cut in almost 5 years... since my 13th birthday actually (I may back out of this later... which is a VERY likely possibility, lol, I love my hair too much...) It'll only be a couple inches if I ever go through with it. lol
Second move: destroy the things that Megan and I were talking about. I can't have them in my life, no matter what memories they may hold, I must rid them from my life.. or at least give them to Megan to hold on to until I'm ready to have them back, which if I'm ready for them back, I will not ask. I'll trust her to throw them away one day or just give them to my parents.. yeah... I think that'll be a better plan...
Third move: make the move toward Sam. I'm sick of thinking I'm not good enough. This will work. I just have to scheme and plot, lol... and no, this will not be a rebound (been there, done that lol), this will be something that I can say "He's not in my life, sweetie, you are the ONLY one".. I know I can love again.. I just have to throw the other one away, even if at first I'm fooling myself.
My life was wasted on him.. like he once told me, "You made me miss like 8 mos of my life"... well, then I'm shoving it right back in his face. I lost myself completely when I met him. I want to find myself again, but a better, stronger, less vulnerable Markie.. not a weak-minded, naive little girl.
Though things will still be up and down for me, I will get through this and I will live past this Sunday.
I HAVE to.
So now what you all are wondering, "Are you still considering the 's' word?".... *thinks for a couple minutes*........ I guess we'll have to wait til after Sunday for that answer.. but no, it won't be soon... but like I've learned from Seth's painful and hurtful example, don't promise anything for the future.. (for example: "I'll love you forever" are but empty words falling from the lips of a deceiver.)
Blessed ventures,
~*~Markie~*~
btw, thanks Adrian for making me another header.. I loved ur other one too.. you're such a sweetie! *hugs*
and thanks you all for posting comments.. it helped a whole lot.. thanks Freudian Slip, your encouragement means a whole lot to me.. and Cheeko & Adrian, thanks again :-)
My life was wasted on him.. like he once told me, "You made me miss like 8 mos of my life"... well, then I'm shoving it right back in his face. I lost myself completely when I met him. I want to find myself again, but a better, stronger, less vulnerable Markie.. not a weak-minded, naive little girl.
Though things will still be up and down for me, I will get through this and I will live past this Sunday.
I HAVE to.
So now what you all are wondering, "Are you still considering the 's' word?".... *thinks for a couple minutes*........ I guess we'll have to wait til after Sunday for that answer.. but no, it won't be soon... but like I've learned from Seth's painful and hurtful example, don't promise anything for the future.. (for example: "I'll love you forever" are but empty words falling from the lips of a deceiver.)
Blessed ventures,
~*~Markie~*~
btw, thanks Adrian for making me another header.. I loved ur other one too.. you're such a sweetie! *hugs*
and thanks you all for posting comments.. it helped a whole lot.. thanks Freudian Slip, your encouragement means a whole lot to me.. and Cheeko & Adrian, thanks again :-)
